Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He passed out mid-signature
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We left the knife in your bed.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
