Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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