Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
