If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
