I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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