fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
nutella sex= disaster
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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