i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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