Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
