oh god the rape fog is back!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
