turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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