Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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