the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Pants are for mortals
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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