FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
