We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
