i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
