How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
