I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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