i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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