went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
