i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
