So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
