Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
