Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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