but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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