considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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