i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You need Xanax blowdarts
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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