i was born a porn star she said
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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