im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will be naked everywhere
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
