She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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