eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
