remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
