just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i think i just lost a toe
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
