insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
