Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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