Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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