i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
