so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
