Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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