i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
