where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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