wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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