I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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