I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
