I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
