This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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