I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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