My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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