My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
