I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
