i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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